The Knackers Yard

I received three telling comments since I put down my career in May. Only three I am afraid. Or should that be “Wow! 3 life changing and challenging insights? I will leave it to you to decide”.

Most people sadly trot out ” It must be great being you”. It isn’t…. always.

Or, “Wow I wish I had your life.” You might not think so.

Or, ” All that time on your hands” Blimey I wish!!!

Or, “You got out at the right time!” Mmmmmmm?

Here are the three insightful comments in order of when I got them. You know who you are so I won’t embarrassyou. Thanks anyway.

1. “Welcome to the real world Tim, where people don’t get paid to listen to you!” Ouch!!!

2. “Take a lot of time, more than you think to get straight and find what’s next”

3. “Mmmm. Mr Ocsko. So I wonder what career you will follow”

The third was my favourite. Obviously. Very cryptic and expressed to me by a very plain talker – so all the more a surprise when I heard it. I never really felt like my profession to date was a career BUT I do like the idea of having an apprenticeship in life until I am 46 before perhaps 3-4 years of study, graduating into a new career at 50. Mmmm? Now there’s an idea. Any suggestions?

The second was the one I least understood at the time BUT as time has marched on I have really got my head around. When I left I thought ‘Hey! 3 months and I will be back in the saddle!’ Don’t think so! Especially if the 3rd point proves prophetic.

As for the first…well I laughed when I heard it and repented at my leisure. This one has already proved to be true and painful. I was used to being listened to. Commanding an audience. But I didn’t realise at the time that much of that command was power rather than conviction or cause or my own brilliance {or lack of it}. In the real world people just don’t sit and listen because you tell them so. Oh No! As you all already now – its a lot different to that – and this realisation is one of the biggest hurdles that I and no doubt many others in my situation have had to learn.

It is brutally humbling.

It happens most days for me.

When we put down our status – strip our engine of all the show – we are exposed for who we are.

On my journey to who I am, I have painfully and reticently been forced to call in at the knackers yard.

I won’t be stopping long for there is much that is strong, good, fresh and emerging but rightly there is much to leave behind.

More tomorrow.

Tonight as I write I am grateful for….{Apologies to those embarrassingly named}.

1. My wife for doing so much today to tidy up lost of loose threads. i really appreciate it. I loved eating with you this late afternoon, just the two of us in the twilight of the day. It was magical.

2. My very good friend Sharon. You are simply ACE!….and everyone agrees with me, so there!

3. My colleagues in Baraka who suffer my grumpiness as I wade through my own Knackers Yard. I owe you all an apology.

4. The lads at the Youth club I attend. There is no group of people I have ever been so in awe of. They embody hope and inspiration.

5. My journey – even with an unexpected and unplanned stop at the moment. Don’t know for how long but all this crap was heavy anyway. If you fancy joining me and getting rid of your rubbish too. Feel free!

Today was the best day of my life.

Tim Ocsko

The Radio Times.

We subscribe to one magazine in our house the Radio Times. Not really sure why as we don’t really watch a lot of TV, but it is so very safe as a magazine that it would be rude to cancel it.

On Page 55 this week Alison Graham writes an article entitled ‘Makes You Weep’. In it she derides the contestants for ‘talking in this sort of nauseating therapy-speak about their journeys’, inviting them to catch a coach if they want to take a real journey.

Tomorrow, I will be undertaking both types of journey in Alison -speak. I am going to see my mum and will alos be driving her across country to visit my Aunt. In two weeks, it will be the return journey. My mum rang me on Thursday to ask – as if I’d say No!  

During our 250 mile journey my mum will take me on a journey around my life, my family’s life and hers. She will want all the details and will reassure me that ‘Och, I’ll tell no one’ {meaning my sisters}, though she probably will – and that’s okay too. She will ask me simple questions that make me think about how I treat the girls in my house – even though she won’t mean too. We will talk about what I am doing with my life and without directly intending to, she will indirectly be the most amazement source of encouragement. And of course we will talk about my Dad, her husband. Our 250 mile journey will be a series journeys into the past, around the current  and into the future.

It won’t be psycho babble and its not pretentious. You see I think we are all on journeys. Journeys into the next stage of our lives, through our careers, through dark and dry periods and through green and life filled times, through relationships….and on and on. The difference with most of the journeys is that you don’t get onto a coach, simply because for most of us we don’t have a clue where we are going. Even our daily journey through today.

My life is an epic set of journeys. And just like the Iliad where the main characters were not just on a journey through geography but were also embarked on a journey to themselves, I too am set sail.

Today’s journey was at times difficult – I worked hard all day trying to be cheerful whilst working hard making great coffee for an endless line of customers. I journeyed through my own emotions struggling with my own need to be very efficient and not keep customers waiting whilst wanting each customer to feel special – I achieved neither and got frustrated. I continue to journey with my wife who suffers from a wretchedly painful back and hip – which responds to neither science nor our own interventions. And lots of great steps too! I continued my journey with my daughters as they grow into competences and confidences far greater than mine. And I journey through my own meaning  and purpose wide eyed and excited.

I can’t wait to set off tomorrow. to wake up and now I have 16 -18 hours of unadulterated adventuring ahead of me, completely clueless as to where i AM GOING.

I am 45. Very happily married to my best friend. 2 fine daughters. Great family. Serving men of vision. Free of debt to any man. Healthy. Often confused and painfully aware of my own shortcomings ad weaknesses. And I am on many journeys. Long may it be so for me and you.

Today was the best journey of my life and tomorrow, if it ever comes, is looking special too!

Tim Ocsko

Matlock

Well I hope all your new dreams {and even some old one’s} took a step forward today.

I went to Matlock. Go there it’s a great place and I guarantee a great journey getting there. The surrounding countryside is awesome.

In our seasons of change the weather was suprisingly summer like – even though autumn kicks in next week.

We took a walk around the gardens, ascending the relatively steep path up Pic Tor. The views at the top of this hill are stunning, especially on a clear late summer’s day. But it was what was sat on the top of the hill which caught my attention – a war memorial to those lost in the 1914 – 18 and 1939 -45 conflicts. It was a very fine monument clearly showing the respect that the citizens of Matlock had for their lost brothers, fathers, uncles and sons. The chiselled names of families and brothers made for sombre reading.

It struck me though how unlike most other war memorials this was in not only a prominent place BUT also at the top of a steep hill. No doubt after each conflict the loved ones of each of those men would make their own pilgrimage to the top of that hill. Some each year, some perhaps each week. Widows. Lovers. Mothers. Trudging soulfully up that hill.

And as the years passed how much harder each trip. The effort of the ascent. Breathless. Until one day the sad sitting at home imagining the many past pilgrimages… knowing that there would be no more. And how many of those silent respectful pilgrims took more journey’s that were physically good for them – scared to let go, fearful that their lack of direct attention would be a betrayal.

I was humbled.

It made me think of the journey’s of love I take. To my mum. My sisters. Walking my wife to college. Vists to my friends. Journeys to love, give hope, smile. Do I really take them enough? Do I find time for them in my own journey?

It made me think of my journey. Are there still places I am visiting that I need to visit one last time, pay my final  respects and move on. People, places, memories that need to be safely filed under the past.

Today was the best day of my life and I feel very quiet inside.

Tim Ocsko